This post is by Jeff Nelligan, our guest in episode 328 video and audio. Jeff spoke to us about parenting, performance and raising resilient kids.

Trigger Warning: Some of following is harsh and there’s no attempt at subtlety.

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Performance is the only thing that counts

“‘Diversity. Justice. Inclusiveness.’ Yeah, don’t forget GPA, SATs, All-Conference.”

The first three words above adorned numerous banners along the entrance to a high-end prep school in the Mid-Atlantic, symbols of the institution’s vogue virtue. My middle son and I were there at 8 a.m. for a Sunday lacrosse tournament.

The last six words above were what I added after reading aloud the first three. Sitting in the front seat of the car, my son instantly grinned and began laughing.

The school’s slogans are perfectly noble and prime catchwords of a sensitive age. It’s nice that young people are encouraged to think about high ideals and act accordingly. But at the time, the slogans underscored an ethos, however well-intentioned, that really didn’t cut it with me. In my narrowly wide-ranging world there were other, more important markings for kids: What really counts is doing, not feeling.

Think about it. Perhaps a kid’s life should not be consumed by saluting pop, voguish, beliefs-of-the-day and devoting time and energy to these abstracts.

Maybe that’s why most parents – consumed themselves with ensuring that their child can read, write and do math, have worthy friends and pursue worthwhile activities – think the same way.

And maybe that’s why a 10-year-old kid, confronted with the stark juxtaposition of the nine words at the top of this piece and what they represent, instantly laughs out long and loud.

I joined in his laughter as we drove and then said, “Hey son, you know your old man likes diversity and justice just fine. But there’s a helluva lot more. Like just getting it done.”

“That’s what we gotta do today against St. Paul’s,“ he replied.

“Bingo, pal,” I responded. “The world – and I mean me, your friends and teachers and coaches – are always looking at you, seeing how you maneuver and perform. That’s the way life works. Attitude and skills and hustle and effort are how you are judged. Don’t ever forget it.” Yes, strong stuff for a young boy. But he understood.

Indeed, he was about to play in a tournament where teams won because they had good, tough players, not because they were righteous or woke. The world rewards and respects accomplishment. Period. If you think otherwise, paste on a big smile when your kid announces he or she has just failed a class.

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Forget “feelings.” As Colin Powell says, “There’s no magic. It’s all about sweat, determination, and hard work.”

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And no, I wasn’t dismissive of basic civic virtue. For example, I required all three sons to participate in com- munity service. I compelled them to help out at the local YMCA and participate in winter coat drives. I demanded they go to local schools and help tutor disadvantaged kids in math and English. I stood next to them at food banks handing out lunches to folks down on their luck. Good Lord, you want to talk about the real world?! You want to talk about staring human behavior and choices straight in the eye? The boys would come back from these events more thoughtful – and more world-wise – than ever.

Years later, that same son and I were at that same school for one of his last high school football games. His team lost the game and he played badly and we both knew this wasn’t going to be a fun ride home (no amount of preparation and confidence can erase a fourth-quarter goal-line fumble). We were driving out of the school at dusk when despite his sour mood, he chuckled and pointed out the car window at the aforementioned banners.

Spontaneously, I read aloud the first three words. From memory, having heard my pointed, six-word exhortation innumerable times, he laughed and spoke out loud the rest.
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Jeff Nelligan is the father of three military officer sons and author of Four Lessons from My Three Sons – How You Can Raise a Resilient Kid: Second Edition. A former Congressional staffer, campaign advance man, and Army veteran, he works as a public affairs executive in Washington, D.C.

www.nelliganbooks.com