Today’s post is by clinical sexologist Dr. Steven Davidson our guest in episode 304. Video and audio. Dr. Davidson presents 9 reasons why marriages may become less sexual.

Bill and Frances were married for twenty-six years when they first consulted a sex therapist. It was their twenty-fifth anniversary that got them talking about how long it had been since they last had sex. Neither could remember. Frances thought it might happen when they went away on their twenty-fifth anniversary cruise. She said she was looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. Bill never initiated and Frances said she felt both annoyed and relieved. Now in therapy they want to talk about how they got to this place in their marriage. Sex was something they enjoyed before marriage. They said they never wanted to be one of those couples that stopped having sex.

Bill and Frances are not atypical. Many couples, straight and gay, discover they seem to lose the spark after being together a few years. They may love everything else about the marriage, but this is an issue they just can’t resolve. Most of them can recall a time in their marriage when sex was better and definitely more frequent. However, some couples stop having sex early in the marriage because it is such a tremendous source of distress for one of them or both. Below are some of the common factors that contribute to the sexless marriage. If this is something you are experiencing in your own marriage, one or more of these might apply. 

1. Asexuality

One or both of you don’t like sex. I know it is hard to believe but there are some people who just don’t enjoy sex. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) once classified this as Sexual Aversion Disorder, a disorder that was more common in women than men. Many people didn’t even know they had it. Due to sexual illiteracy, some just thought it would go away magically once they were married. In addition to marital conflict and dissatisfaction, the individuals with the disorder also experienced intense anxiety related to exposure to sexual stimuli and the expectation to engage in sexual activity. The diagnosis disappeared when the APA released their updated Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2013. We now understand that about 2% of the US population identify as asexual. It is now understood better as a sexual orientation than a mental disorder. 

2. Relational Conflict

You no longer like each other. Years of accumulative distrust, disrespect, betrayal, deceit, and abuse takes its toll. There is so much disdain for the other that you don’t want to be that close. Regardless of physical appearance, your partner’s ugly personality has impaired your ability to find them erotically desirable. 

3. Incompatibility 

You were never sexually compatible from the beginning. Our shame and lack of sex education causes us to minimize the value of sexual compatibility in the relationship. You may have heard things like “sex isn’t that important,” “don’t base a marriage on sex,” “eventually sex will not matter to you.” If you expect to be in a monogamous marriage for life, then you better enjoy the one you are with. Healthy marriages enjoy sex well into their senior years. There needs to be some overlap in the things you desire if you are to be sexually satisfied in your marriage. 

4. Sexual Dysfunction

There are various sexual dysfunctions that can affect men and women and impair their ability to enjoy sex individually and as a couple. Erectile dysfunction, early ejaculation, orgasmic disorder, pain during intercourse, and low libido are some common examples. One or both partners may have so much shame about sex that they never address the problem. They may think it isn’t really a priority if it isn’t life threatening. They might not know which health provider to consult and since most health providers are not trained in sexology, they might have already received some bad or inaccurate advice. As the problem persists, couples eventually avoid physical contact with each other or even talking about the situation. To use a well known idiom, the issue is now the elephant in the room and no one wants to bring it up. 

5. Cultural Norms

Though sex is as normal as breathing and the catalyst for our existence, our culture teaches and perpetuates sexual shame. We feel shame about our bodies, our desires, and our sexual activities. Religion has equated sexual activity with sin. The US government has a long history of regulating sexual activity even between married couples. No other primal or innate aspect of our existence has been as regulated or scrutinized as our sexuality. One or both partners may avoid sex for these reasons. Some people believe that sexual activity can only be justified for the purpose of procreation and otherwise should not be enjoyed.

6. No Time

As time passes couples initiate sex with each other less frequently. Other people and activities take precedence. Work, children, and household projects push sex further down the to do list. You know the other partner is still there so one day you will get around to it again. Self-pleasure replaces sexual connection because it is more efficient and you don’t have to negotiate with anyone else when to schedule it on the calendar.

7.Emotional Intimacy and Familiarity

This one is hard to believe but it is true. Intimacy, love, and erotic desire are three distinctly different concepts. We have been told that in the romantic relationship they are all present. It might be true in the beginning, but for many couples as the intimacy and love grow stronger, the erotic desire for the other fades away. Couples sometimes say we love each other but we have come to think of each other more as a sibling or best friend. Sex almost feels incestuous. Most humans have an innate repulsion for incest and when the relationship now feels too familiar, it might be more difficult to see your partner as your object of erotic desire. 

8. Sexual Illiteracy

Sexology isn’t taught in schools or even most universities in the US. Our beliefs about sex are the result of myths we learned along the way. Pornography gives us both a visual and auditory representation of sex. While pornography is frequently based on myths as well, it is more accessible and entertaining than the sexual science text books which are harder to find. Sex therapists spend a lot of time simply educating their clients and debunking the myths they learned so early in life. Surprisingly, many couples just don’t know what they are doing. Straight couples especially are sometimes ambivalent about each other’s bodies because they have no personal point of reference. If you don’t have a clitoris, you might not know what it is, where it is, or what to do with it. Sadly, sometimes those with a clitoris are puzzled by these same questions. 

9. Mental or Physical Health

Regular sexual activity has health benefits. The loss of libido and the absence of sexual activity are markers for diagnosing some physical and mental disorders. There may be other health concerns like prostate cancer or severe arthritis that make sex painful or impossible. If the illness is terminal, sexual connection may now seem irrelevant. However, many illnesses that negatively affect sexual functioning can be managed and even cured. Maybe you cannot enjoy some of the sexual activities you once did, but there are multiple ways to remain erotically engaged.

Yes, there may be hope. Seeking counsel from a qualified sex therapist is a great way to determine the source of the problem and find a resolution. Don’t diagnose the problem yourself and be cautious getting a diagnosis from a health provider who is not adequately trained in sexology. Sexuality is complex. It is influenced by lots of factors and rarely is the solution as simple as a pill. You should be enjoying regular sexual activity throughout your adult life well into your later years. If you are not, you might want to get some help for that. 

Dr. Steven Davidson is a clinical sexologist in Florida. He is the author of Sexual Integrity: Finding the Courage to be Yourself. His clients also know him as The Sexual Integrity Coach®.

This article was originally published on Dr. Davidson’s blog.https://drstevendavidson.com/my-blog/f/reasons-marriages-become-sexless